Domestic Violence Advocate, Social Activist, Consultant & Entertainment Producer

When Do Abusers Stop Abusing?

When do abusers stop abusing?  The answer is when they get good and ready to.  The choice to abuse another human being is a choice of the will just like any other decision in life.  For many abusers, it’s even one step further than a choice, it’s an actual addiction; an addiction to control another human being, an addiction to feel superior and an addiction to see another person suffer.  Just as some people are addicted to making others feel great about themselves, and we call these folks givers, there are some who are addicted to making other people feel awful by inflicting pain and we call them abusers.  The pain they inflict can come in many forms; it just depends on the choice or method they desire  to use.  Some abusers use verbal, others emotional, some psychological, some financial (like stealing money, scam artists, swindlers, controlling the money of those they love for ill intentions) and some are sexually and physically abusive.

Victims of abuse often find themselves in seemingly endless cycles, especially when the abuse is from an intimate partner or even a family member, debating whether they should leave or stay.  Some hope and pray that the abuser will change but the truth is, the abuser will only stop when they’ve had enough of the abusing themselves.  There’s no set time table and there’s no telling when they will make the choice to end the abuse, especially if the abuser is addicted to abusing or perhaps pathological to some extent.  Just like we who are caring individuals have free choice to make healthy, wholesome decisions in life, abusers choose to mistreat others (and that’s saying it gently).

So if you’re debating today whether you should leave a relationship with abuse, the answer is Yes but you need to have a safety plan.  Whenever the object of an abuser’s world is removed from them and if the abuse is an addiction to them, they will go after that “object”, You.  Remember, abuse is about control and when the abuser feels they have lost that control they will fight to get it back as no one in their good mind or bad mind wants to feel like they’ve lost control.  The way they “fight” back however is with battering and sometimes murder.

So I encourage you to visit the links below on safety planning.  It’s also best that you work with a local domestic violence advocate who can point you in the direction of resources like Confidentiality Programs.  They can also advise you of your rights in obtaining a restraining order against the abuser and where the closest safe houses are for you.

www.couragenetwork.com/information_for_victims_49.html

www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning

Also, please watch the following video and learn more about how to further protect yourself and your family with the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit at www.susanmurphymilano.com .

You deserve to be happy and live a life where you are respected, loved and safe.  Don’t wait for your abuser to change because the truth is, they won’t anytime soon and more than likely never will.  Take the steps that you need for yourself and your family to move on and do it with a safety plan.

One response

  1. Stacy

    Great article. You really nailed it on the head. I haven’t heard much about abusers being addicted but it is so true! I hope a lot of people read this so they can recognize the abuser before their addiction to it gets worse and worse. Thanks for the great info.

    March 2, 2011 at 5:02 pm

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